climbing trees

Maybe it's time to climb a tree and see things in a new way.

It all started one bright fall day when my daughter and I picked up our cameras and decided to take a photo shoot of the maple tree in our front yard.  The lighting was magnificent and the leaves, hue by hue were transforming into an autumnal wonderland.  We were memorized.  Abi, the daring and adventurous one, climbed the tree while I remained surefooted on the ground.  Photo after photo was taken, filters added, frames changed, cropping applied until we had taken a simple, elegant leaf and created new art.

As all things go in nature, there is a constant stream of study change and as I fast forward from the magical moment with Abi to today, I find the maple tree in the front yard completely transformed.  Changed.  Brighter burgundy, deeper crimson, vibrant orange, brighter yellow; it's astonishing.  I walked around the tree, sans Abi, this morning, trying to capture just the right amount of morning light as it glowed on the leaves.  While this process was ok, I just wasn't satisfied.

Curious, I climbed into the maple tree-to see it's full glory, to embrace it's totality, to experience a new way of looking, of seeing, and I was humbled, awed.  It's brighter up here, it's more full of light, it's layered with texture and grain, smooth elegance and staccato filled movement.  It's gorgeous!  And I would have completely missed it had I not be watching and wondering, observing and learning from my daughter.

What are you facing?  What unsolvable problem is wreaking you today?  How can you see things in a new way?  Climb a tree!  Consider another perspective.  Walk in someone else's shoes.  Take up the burden of another.  Try to understand in a new way.  It's worth the added effort and the momentary detour.

every hero needs a villain

every story, real story,
needs a villain

it would be ridiculously boring to write a tale about a brave hero who kept their socks clean, their room, tidy, as they went off to sit at a desk and smile.

it would be notoriously mind-numbing to live a life where there wasn't a conflict,
a struggle to push through, a hill to climb, a goal to complete, a skill to master.

every plot that ever was needs a character of strength that fights epic battles,
wins the war through enormous personal growth, and brings home the prize.

every good story needs a conflict where honor and integrity rise above the unimaginable odds and
rescue and redemption are achieved.

The problem begins and ends when the hero focuses on the villian and not the strategy to overcome.
The issue arises when the hero looses hope, becomes overwhelmed, and can't talk themselves through to the solutions. This is where battles are fought and won.  In the mind, before one even engages in the reality of the battle around them.

Dare to let the villain spur you to greatness,
leverage the power of the bad to surge you to press on to the good,
let it motivate,  use it as a tool....

We cannot take our eyes off of the goal, no matter how much smack is talked,
how great the cost, how ridiculous the pressure to re-orient,
-to pay attention to the distraction is the most deadly move a hero can make.

keep the focus,
go above, stretch beyond,
journey by faith,
believe in the unseen,
and rise to fight

confession from a hopefully recovering people pleaser

A people pleaser does what others ask; no matter what.

Need help?  I'm your girl.
Want an idea?  I'll think one up.
Have a task to complete?  I'll jump in.
Don't want to do something?  Sure, I can cover for you.
Can't make the obligation you said you would do?  No problem, I'll handle it.

And then there is my own responsibilities.

I need help...but I can't ask others because that's not what people pleaser's do.
It wouldn't please them.
I want a better idea...but I can't ask because I should have figured it out on my own.
It wouldn't benefit others if they knew I didn't have all the ideas.
I have too many tasks to complete....but it's my fault because I'm not a good manager.
It would prove to others I'm not capable.
I don't want to do something......but I have too, so I'll bend my skill set, adapt, push through, argue with my inner self, because that's what's expected.
It wouldn't be good to show I can't do it all.
I need to fulfill all my obligations because that's integrity and honor.
It wouldn't be right to show others I make mistakes, I fail.

And failure is never an option to a people pleaser.

And that's the art of self-sabotage,
multiplied by thousands of thoughts, actions, decisions,
every day.

No wonder I need rehab.

zeal for your house consumes me

the greatest lesson I learned while training to run marathons was
the all consuming discipline of following
the training schedule.

nothing dominated my brain more than
when the next run
was to take place.

what time would I run?
what would I eat?
how much water had I taken in?
had I used the bath room?
where would I use a bathroom on long runs if I had to go?
was it a day of rest?
how many miles did I have to complete?
how fast was each mile?
should I stash a water bottle along the way?
what trail would I follow?
how many hills did my run have?
how quickly would I recover?
did my breathing sustain over the long runs?
would I get cramps in my legs?
what would I wear as I ran?
should I wave, smile, or say to hi other runners?
do I have the right music to listen to?
should I listen to music while running?
what is the weather like?
what kind of road conditions are present?
did I have clean running gear?
how many miles were on my shoes?
why did they change the asics 2150's?
how come I was getting blisters?

these questions would go around and around,
on and on in my brain
and it would repeat after each box was checked and each training run completed.

it consumed me.
nothing rose above the Hal Higdon training schedule in my mind.
nothing.

Today I read that the zeal for your house consumes me*.
Zeal-even more passionate than addiction and fear,
Zeal-even more poetic and heroic than hate,
Zeal for his father's house drove every move.
And this zeal for God drove Jesus.
Every day.
It defined every action,
It guided every thought,
It completed every sentence.

In this day, will I choose to make
my God my all-consuming motive, action, thought, word, and deed?

*John 2:17

luke 5: 16

16But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed

Such a simple sentence.
A moment of surrender, when Jesus stepped back.

I think the word often screams loudly.
A posture, a habit, a way to live.

withdrew.
step away and retreat.

lonely places.
for much of my life,
I've feared lonely places.
They seem so alone. so un fun. 
so quiet.  
boring. 
unproductive. 
a violation of all I grew up to believe and to do.  
Better to be asleep or dead than to be alone and un working.

But if I'm to be like my master, my savior, 
I'm to copy, to repent, to do what he does.

pray.

pray.

pray.

I wonder for as much as I talk, listen to others, and do

I should be infinitely more praying, and soaking, reading, listening,  and obeying my master?

to live.

to live,
be.

to be humble,
serve people who have no intention of serving you back.

to love,
give freely without expectation, qualification, definition, or reservation.

to dream,
tear away all that binds and encroaches and risk

to feel,
open up to all emotion

to know,
consider all possibility

to accept,
push beyond convention to truth
they are completely different

to understand,
walk blindly in faith

to be free,
dance and run and breath and grow and change.

the human design

It is my belief that humans are designed for faith and for reason.
It is my position that humans need a balance of structure and freedom,
work and play, growth and rest, push and pull.

We are complex and multifaceted.
Each day needs the recipe of spirit and of physical presence.
We are not capable of thriving in extremes for long periods of time;
not in our thinking,
not in our loving,
not in our working,
not in our playing.

Too much will corrupt us.

They only way to discover true self is to seek the one who created us.
To soak in His teaching,
to receive His love,
His sacrifice,
His truth.

And this journey is life-long, never-ending; save death.

I need both activity and stillness.
I need a life work that fulfills and satisfies as much as I need a place of quiet and rest.
I need to create and converse as much as I need to be silent and receive.
I need community and love, critique and coaching as much as I need reflection.

I long to be alone in a measured and properly dosed kind of way.
Just enough to be quiet and still.

I long to be healthy with the proper balance of taking and giving,
blessing and receiving, and I am learning that no one, save my savior and me will do it for me.

gasping for air

Do you ever have a moment when you take a really big breath in
only to realize that you've been holding your breath
for a very, very long time?

That for months,
you've been gasping for air,
reaching for a safe place,
grasping to hang on,
struggling to be steady and true,
and you don't even realize the place you've been is killing you slowly?

And then, taking in a bigger-than-big,
deeper-than-deep,
fuller-than-full-kind-of-breath,
you see, finally you see
that you've been sick, or compromised, or dusty, or abandoned, or defeated, or deceived for a long time?

"I'm waking up to ash and dust
I wipe my brow and I sweat my rust
I'm breathing in the chemicals"
Imagine Dragons-Radioactive.

That's one way to breath in, waking up to the reality around me.

It is a harsh and cold reality.
It's candy-coated and it's blasted with sin; broken, jagged, scarred, and cut in a million tiny pieces.
We are a broken people.
I am a broken being.

But then, there are these moments of clarity,
moments of rest,
deep breath kind of moments
where glimpses of the unseen are around me.

There is this other reality that teaches that all is not what we see or possibly it is more than what we see,

"God knows that when you eat the fruit of that tree, you will know things you have never known before.   You will be able to tell the difference between good and evil."

"So she took some of the fruit and ate it.  She also gave some to her husband, who was with her.  And he ate it.  Then both of them knew thongs they have never known before."  And then they became afraid, ashamed, hiding and running away.

"The man has become like one of us. He can tell the difference between good and evil. He must not be allowed to reach his hand and pick fruit from the tree of life and eat it.  If he does, he will live forever." And I see that living forever, in the that place of knowledge without reason and rescue, would be an eternal state of this here and now reality. And this current place of now and not yet is maddening and one of patient endurance.  All is not what it is meant to be.

And so the curse begins.

And along side of it, begins a rescue mission.

gift after gift after gift

from John 1:16-18
a meditation

"We all live off his generous bounty"
everyone-saint and sinner, lost and found, critic and cheerleader
everything comes from God, everything we have, we own, we receive, we control, we delight in and we hate, we wrestle with and we reconcile to, everything

"gift after gift after gift"
what are your gifts?  what are mine?  How is a gift defined?
Is it what I've gained through skill,
is it what I've mastered through talent?
is it unspoken and unannounced, or does it scream and blurt out?
is it in things or in tasks?  people or in relationship?

"We got the basics from Moses"
-the law was given
-blessing with obedience
-curses from rebellion
-the foundation was established, return to it, review it, know it and live it

"And then this exuberant giving and receiving, 
endless knowing and understanding-all of this came through
Jesus, the Messiah"
completing Moses' beginning, Jesus is endless endings
establishing covenant, Jesus confirms it
all expression of joy and fulfillment, destiny and purpose, all this...comes through Jesus
and it keeps on coming

"This one-of-a-kind-God-Expression, who exists at the very heart of the Father, has made him plain as day."
Do you want God?
Do you want to know the heart of the Father?
then know Jesus, follow Jesus, seek Jesus, obey Jesus, live Jesus, taste of Jesus, express Jesus, love Jesus...

again and again and again as the
gift after gift after gift pours out.

Seek it with everything.

My Daily Praise

O Lord,

May you be praised forever!
You are all greatness, all power, all glory, all victory, and all majesty.
Everything is yours and this is your kingdom.

But who am I, O Lord, that I can give anything to you?
It's all yours! Anything we give belongs to you already.
We are here only for a moment, visitors in a land as our ancestors were before us.
Our days on earth are like a shadow, gone so soon without a trace.

I know you examine my heart.
I see that you are praised when I give willingly and joyfully.

May I always want to obey you,
May I desire to always follow you,
May I fully serve you,
May I return to you all you have given me,
and may I completely worship you,
this prayer being my daily offering of praise.

Adaptation from 1 Chronicles 29:10-17

untitled

I saw this video recently of a toddler, who in an attempt
to pick up crayons, would subsequently bend over to retrieve one crayon while
another would be falling from her collection cup.

I can so relate.

In a church setting, where people are constantly moving,
some coming, some going,
I have these moments when
they are in my hands, and then as I reach
for another person,
to offer an invitation of God's presence, or of serving, or of reaching others for Christ,
the others in my cup fall out, walk away, leave.

And unlike the toddler, I am not blissfully unaware, but rather am
acutely conscious of every move, like a parent with eyes in the back of my head,
I see them refuse, reject, accept a better offer, deny my invitation, ignore my ask for help.

It's a hard place to be, feeling so needy,
knowing that the time I have to impact and to vision cast
is so fleeting, so quiet and so small,
unable to compete with the bigger, louder opportunities, options of this world.

And yet, I am reminded that
I am a child of God.
I am called to preach the gospel to the poor.
I will live eternally.
I am an heir.

So, who cares if the crayons keep falling out of the cup?

What I am about is my Father's business and I'll leave the results to Him!

the invitation

so I see this picture in my mind of children
running, playing, laughing, being childish

I see him in a field, chasing grasshoppers as they hop and fly
I see her eating ice cream topped with every-colored-kind-of-sprinkle
I see endless fun,
boundless energy,
uninhibited joy.

I see one child in particular and I watch as she goes;
without boundary or guidance, throughout her day.

She eats anything she desires, spilling crumbs and leaving smudges on her face.
I watch as she pulls at game after game, leaving pieces where they lay
 and chooses something new to play.

I observe her bouncing, jumping, leaping, twirling on a trampoline.
I watch as she ignores adult voices, disregards insight and correction.
I see her as she grows, becoming more self-focused, less caring,
more determined to feed her appetite for pleasure and for desire.

I see her dirty; clothes carelessly torn, fingernails bit to the quick, I see bangs clumsily cut, hanging haggardly off her face.  She becomes more and more wild, fowl, crude, and disgraceful.

Then, as she explores further and further from home,
I see her approach a gated pavilion with carefully trimmed hedges and beautifully grown flowers.
This place of wonder and delight is like nothing she's ever seen.

Quickly, she approaches the gate and confidently tugs at the latch.  It's locked.
She watches, from the barrier in front of her, as children play and laugh, run and work, clean and weed, sweep and pick up, create and maintain a space more lovely than she can imagine.

She longs to get in.  She tries to climb the fence, but stumbles and falls each time.
She calls out to the children playing and tending the garden,
but they don't understand her words,
cannot make out her language,
do not hear her pleas.

And then, a master gardener approaches;
gleaming as white as snow,
as brilliant as sun,
and as warm as a summer day.

She looks up woefully,
solemnly.

I want to enter, she says.
The gardener smiles.

How can I come in, she asks.
You must become clean, he replies.
How do I get clean, she wonders aloud.

Go to the river below and wash.
Leave behind your wayward and selfish ways,
leave behind your desire to be in control,
to want and to do only what you like, and
choose to come to my garden and follow my ways, he explained.

Uncertain what to do, for she liked her ways and she liked her life, she turned and walked away.

Not today, she called.
My way is better, she cried.
Maybe some other time, she stated and ran.

The gardener smiled as tears ran down his face.
What he offered her was life changing.
What he had would be so much better than her best day.
He wisely knew what she'd choose.
It is, after all, a choice.

a beautiful moment

in the midst of weekend details
in the flurry of constant activity
in the preparation of the Story, the setting of the rooms, the arranging of the schedules
in the communication and the invitation of leaders
in the surge of guests and regular attenders and members
in the sprinkles, the toppings, the scoops, and the sundaes
in the fervent hope of provision
in the mystery of the absent staff
in the strain of technical difficulties
in the joy of thirteen curious candidates learning about baptism
in the pursuit of mission trip agenda
in the greeting of kids and parents and volunteers and staff
in the anticipation of a request, a presentation, a proposal for the future

sat this beautiful moment, a yes vote
a moment suspended in time where the community around, in one voice, agreed
a moment when the support for our church leadership couldn't be more clear

yes.

yes, look to the future.
yes, prepare for who is coming.
yes, watch and wait and work.

work, diligently, faithfully, prayerfully, passionately.

"Behold, I am coming soon."

I'd live my last day ordinary

Recently I was out of town for a team retreat and for a moment I wondered,
"What if this was the last day, the last hours, the last minutes I'd spend
with my family?"

At first the thought was startling, a bit morbid, and unsettling; I felt very sad.
And then I considered eternity ahead, and with small eyes of faith I decided
I'd live my last day ordinary.

I'd spend time dancing with Noah because no one dances and laughs, grooves and spins better than him.  I try to dance like him, but it's not good.  Fun, but not graceful; silly, but not cool.  I'd talk about mundane things like Scholastic news homework and Spanish assignments.  I'd help him, spend time with him.

I'd spend time singing with Abi, who knows every lyric of every song imaginable.  She's clever and smart, wise and good.  We'd talk about school drama, friends who need a clue and others who are helpful and kind, friends who build Abi up.  We'd discuss leadership team at school and the antics of the advisors.

I'd spend time with Micaiah, who likes to walk and talk.  We'd see migratory birds like sandhill cranes, loons, Canadian geese, and mallards.  We'd discuss teachers who drive him crazy and students who are confusing and assignments that are lame.  We'd dream about the future and what he'd like to do, roles he'd like to have, tasks he'd like to complete.

I'd spend time with Dan, snuggling and talking, laughing and listening.  He'd make delicious food and give perspective, piles of it, for the drama I'd be neck deep in. He'd do impressions of politically un correct people and problems.  Catching up on facebook friends, and childhood friends, and extended family members, we'd just be.

That's my ordinary life; that's what I'd want to live.
I'm loved unconditionally,
I'm encouraged,
I'm pushed and stretched,
I'm privileged to be a part of something so much bigger than me,
in the hands of God.

Lessons learned from AWANA

Lessons learned from AWANA (a bible memory program for kids based on the verse in 2 Timothy 2:15-Approved Workman Are Not Ashamed).

As a kid's leader in the 21st century, hearing and listening, watching and dreaming, praying and waiting, I've recently observed something from AWANA.  This program, while in some churches can be controversial, in other churches shines a bright light on kid's growth in God's word, the bible.

Here's some lessons I've learned from AWANA:

1).  In a culture where there aren't significant faith moments to hang your hat on as parents, AWANA gives guidelines, procedure, process, and reward for spiritual growth.   It's tangible.  It's clear.  It's concise.  There's no confusion.

2).  As parents like you and me, we want to see evidence of spiritual fruit.  We long for validation that the stories from Sunday, the weekly family devotional attempts and successes, the faith conversations we may have on occasion powered with and fueled by a program like AWANA will make the faith deal sealed.

3).  We like short term, instant success.  In the span of childhood, the rigor of schedule, the intensity of the battering ram of culture, AWANA offers a moment of success.  We like that.  If nothing else seems to be working, we reason, at least my kids are memorizing bible verses.

4).  Even though we don't want to follow rules, they can be restricting and cramp our style, we like the rules AWANA offers.  Memorize the verse word perfect.  It's black and white.  It's crystal clear.  We want our children to follow rules and it's easy to discipline when rules aren't followed.  "You didn't memorize your verse, you don't get the reward."  A system like this is clear.  It teaches work ethic.  It draws out competition to strive harder, hopefully against oneself.

Parenting in this culture is hard; it's tricky and feels unsafe.  When I dream about programs, when I see what I need most as a parent, I recognize that a program like AWANA can offer goal and objective, measurable outcome and reward.  It's comforting and it's rewarding.

At a fundamental level kids need to know that there is structure, that rules matter, that hiding God's word in your heart will be invaluable.  These are lessons I can learn and apply to dreaming dreams for kid's ministry.  But equally imperative is my personal, parental role of supporting, encouraging, modeling.  I need to be leading faith and bible learning, story and bible memorization.  It is unrealistic to think any program will check the box of faith for our children.

No one will live your faith story for you.  No one is more designed to live a faith story in front of their kids than you and me. Take the efforts of any kid's ministry to supplement what you are doing.

Live faith out loud!

you can't unsay what you say

It happens to us all; we say things we instantly wish we hadn't said.
Words fly out of our mouth and as quickly as they are out, our foot could take it's place.

We say things unthinkingly, offending-ly, blatantly, without consideration.
And often, these moments of offense happen at the worst time.

Consider a long concerned thought regarding a wayward child.  You want what's best for them, but they exasperate you, so in "parental love" you offer insight.  And usually, when you are at your most passionate, your child is at their most vulnerable. Instead of love, they hear condemnation.

Consider a peer.  You want to speak into their life; the path they have chosen is unwise and the decisions they've made foolish, so you speak words you think are in love, but they are received in judgement and intolerance. Instead of wisdom, they hear a critic.

Consider a spouse.  You want to pour into their life, so you help them by magnifying their bad habits, thinking that they don't realize, aren't self aware, and it's your duty to correct and improve. Instead of partnership, they hear attack.

Words can build up.
Words can tear down.
They can set loved ones free.
They can do irreparable damage.

Thomas Edison once said, "You will have many opportunities in life to keep your mouth shut: you should take advantage of every one of them."

We are not the moral police.
We are not the judges and the jury.
And while we are truth tellers and Christ followers:
our greatest work with words is in the context of prayer,
our greatest expression of love is in the context of grace,
our greatest witness is in the context of humility.

What if we brought God to the soccer field?

Parenting.  There's good days and bad,
confusing days and fun days,
days of complete chaos and nonsense, and
days of freedom and grace, love and joy.

Lately, I've been thinking about the crossroads of parenting and faith.  It's hard to integrate the two
at times.
The churchy days are easier, but not the norm-one day, one morning, one hour contrasted against the 6 other days.  The others, filled with bus schedules and homework, last minute supper ideas and piles of laundry and missing library books and lost charger cords.....

What if we brought God into the everyday-ness, the fun and the struggle, the school, and the soccer field?

What if, instead of flying in at the last minute, still tying soccer cleats as practice has already started, we came early and asked how we could help the coach?

What if, instead of complaining with other parents about stupid schedules and peanut-free snacks, bad calls and arguments about placement on the field; we complimented the coach, were appreciative of the program, and thanked the volunteers who made soccer happen?

What if, instead of rushing off, we lingered to help clean up, sharing our appreciation with the coaching staff?

What if, during the game, when our children made a great play, we paused to pray?

What if, on the way home, we gave God the credit?  Prayed with our budding soccer champions for God's favor, provision, health, and endurance to run well and play strong?

What if God sat beside us, in our consciousness, in such a way that he was our first thought?

No one will live your faith story for you.  No one is more designed to live a faith story in front of their kids than you and me.

What are we waiting for?  Live different, live faith out loud!

a still, quiet place

there's this place
that's hard to get to
it requires effort and timing,
preparation and dedication
a place that becomes rather than just is.

it's a moment, many moments strung together
where all distraction fades away,
a still, quiet place that I have found in a
most unusual way.

Laces tightened,
running gear on,
hydration flowing through my veins, I begin.

Muscles protest, wind distracts,
mental battle engages with a constant "You can't do this",
breathing starts to jag, side stitches threaten and then

counting and breathing and breathing and counting and
that's where I find a still, quiet place.

shoes pounding pavement quiets,
distracted noise fades,
wind becomes less dominant, and it's me
counting in and out, in and out
breathing in and out, in and out
smooth and rhythmic and calm and peace filled

breathe.
count.
count.
breathe.

nothing else matters,
nothing else panics or competes and clamors for attention,
it's this still, quiet place.

Friendship that inspires....

Rarely, a friend comes along who inspires 
and when that relationship forms, everything changes

The kind of friend I'm talking about
challenges, but also encourages,
knowing that life isn't a competition against one another, 
but rather against ourselves to become better.

The kind of friend that critiques, but only because love is the foundation,
a mutual understanding that no matter if disagreement occurs, 
the sharpening is for good, not for easy.

The kind of friend who accepts you, wrinkles, burps, bumps, and all. 
A soul to soul connection that is designed to reflect the beauty of heaven, the love of a creator for his created.

The kind of friend who doesn't envy, won't tear down,  never manipulates, wants good and truth and hope and joy.

It's painted vividly in 1 Corinthians 13, and because God is love, we can know God is all of these things....

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 
⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 
⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

 ⁹ For we know in part and we prophesy in part,

 ¹⁰ but when completeness comes,what is in part disappears. 

¹¹ When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 

¹² For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³ And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

May these words from God set us all free today!

saying goodbye

...the hardest part of ministry, I think, is saying goodbye.

In church culture, it's not uncommon for people to visit, to join community, and then for any number of reasons, move along.  Maybe it's a job transfer, a move to a new community, a decision to shop around for a new church, or a walking away from faith. And it's the goodbye that I most avoid.

As a leader, my primary role is to invest in others, try to inspire them to serve in the local church, motivate them, encourage them, invite them in, share opportunity of ministry and then trust with everything that I've done, partnered with God's mission, will produce volunteers for the ministry.

Children's ministry, particularly, has a grueling number of needed volunteers.
Children's ministry, specifically, has a pace that's relentless.
Children's ministry, naturally, has a high rate of success in communicating the gospel and seeing lives changed.
Children's ministry, dominantly, has a high investment in the family.

And when a prayed for, poured into, trained volunteer moves along, it's heartbreaking.

Over the ministry seasons, I've seen volunteers come and go, I've watched new opportunity arise and people move along.  And I've seen a pace such that there isn't time to morn, or to grieve, or to despair.  Emotions are pesky, irritating things anyway. Nonetheless, they rise up.

So, today, I pause to grieve over the loss of many amazing people who have passed by our doors, entered into our ministry, and moved along.

I miss you.  
I'm sad you've gone. 
I pray you will continue to hold high the torch of loving children and teaching them God's truth.  
I morn your absence. 
I can't wait to see you, in the global church, on the other side of life.
The role you played was invaluable and I'm sorry if I didn't say how much I valued you enough.
May you know you were loved, you mattered, you made a difference.

April rains

There was this low spot down the dirt road that
after an April rain was legendary for
being the biggest rain puddle in all of
Isanti County.

It would fill to the brim, 
spilling over into the poor neighbor's yard,
feasting on the grass-covered lawn, the path leading
into their home,
running across the span of road,
causing a spray that reached 
epic levels as the water
danced on car after car
that dared to pass through.

The puddle, this utopian lake, this place
is a memory tucked in the
recesses of my mind
as I consider April rains, thunderstorms, downpours, bursts of liquid
bringing much awaited signs of Spring.

My siblings and I, mostly my annoying brothers
would crow and trot and jump and splash
in this puddle as the rains would come and the lightening would flash and the thunder would drown out all intelligible conversation, but,
that wasn't the point anyway.

Who needed to talk when all expression of emotion was communicated in the dance?

conditional lovers

the world is full of conditional lovers
"I'll love you if you agree with me...."
"I'll love you when you lose 50 pounds."
"I love you because you are beautiful, rich, smart, talented...."
"I can't love you because you are depressed."
"I'll love you  when you help me succeed, when you accomplish this task, when you make a name for yourself."
"I'll love you when you look like me, talk like me, imitate me..."
"I'll love you if you do what I ask..."
"I'll love you when...."
"I can never love you, really, because you aren't like me..."

to find an unconditional lover, we need to go beyond ourselves.
It took the supernatural, the other worldly, the beyond ourselves to express love.
Unconditional love.
Love that says I'll love you for you. In spite of you.  Because of you.  I'll. Love. You.

It took Jesus, perfect, beyond, above,
 to love us at our worst,
because of our worst,
to bring us to our best.

I will never leave you, the bible teaches.
I will never forsake you, it shares.
Nothing can separate us, me, from God's great love, it confides.

The greatest tragedy is missing that kind of love.
Ignoring it.  Rejecting it.  Despising it.

When unconditional love is offered, how can we walk away?

it's the contrast

How can we know beauty, unless we compare it with ugliness?
How can we appreciate success, unless we've experienced failure?
Isn't the depth of meaning directly related to the struggle, the journey, the length taken to understand?

We are comparative beings; understanding through contrast.

A happy baby is a true blessing when one knows the trial of sleepless nights and tear-filled agony of a sick child.

A successful endeavor is understood when one knows the step by step decisions, set backs, and wins achieved to reach the pinnacle.

A full belly is appreciated when one knows hunger. starvation. depravation.

An renewed sense of joy is understood after the dark nights of pain and suffering.

We need the journey, the process, to appreciate the trail's end.

But there is a subtle shift that we take, by nature, when we compare our story with others.  That's where envy, jealously, pride, competition, hatred, bitterness, blame, that's where these tools of emotion and human experience go awry.

There is a way to live, in freedom and in faith, that allows us to grow and become without being defeated by the comparison of others. This is critical to capture.

We need to live taking in the details, watchful, prayer-filled, dependent upon God, seeking, ever-seeking God's plan, delighting in the wonder, in awe and in reverence as we see, as we breathe, as we live.  This living requires tenacity, bravery, compassion, strength, humility, discipline, honor.

This living is different than wanting, comparing, desiring what others have.
 This living demands our eyes remained fixed on God.
 And its in this contrast that we are transformed.

swirling in glee

So I did a name study today, as I developed my prayer cards for 2013.
I searched out what my name means,
considered it's origins,
pondered it's definitions,
and what I've found leaves me
swirling in glee.

Let me explain.

My chief complaint is that I perceive myself as weak.
my name has origins in a queenly heritage

I believe in the supernatural, the spiritual, at times to my detriment
my name is fairy-like; I come by it honestly and when I see supernatural things, it's because there is a now and there is a not yet

I am, have been, and always will be drawn to light,
delightful of it's far-reaching qualities,
drenching myself of it's splendor,
awed by it's brilliance; I see the new earth illuminated by my King
my name is surrounded in white waves, white-drawn from light, bringing life

I feel painfully naive at times, too innocent, too wimpy
purity of mind, of soul, of heart is blessed

I want to be good, I see the positive, desire to dream of the potential
my very conscience screams in decibels my ears cannot ignore when I sin, when I misstep.  I would be the first criminal to turn myself in and sentence myself to death a thousand times over because my morality convicts me minute by minute.  I am scandalized by my wayward thoughts, horrified by my sinful nature, utterly shocked by the depth, the reality of sin.

I love new beginnings.  I'm a better starter.  I fly from one new thing to the next.
it's my sweet spot; where I like to be.

At the risk of being self-centered and indulgent, let me express that this study has been only affirming, uplifting, insightful.  For despite my father's seemingly random name choice based on the popularity of 1972, my heavenly Father ordained that my name, my being come into it's own for purpose and meaning.  And despite my human beginning, I can be transformed into something more, much more, through the dying of self and the living in Christ, my Lord and my Savior.

I carry hope because the things I battle about me were meant to be. Those things have intention and plan, order and design and when I release, accept, and endeavor to be the me God is refining and transforming, I won't need to apologize or laugh off or be embarrassed or compare any longer.

and that potentialis leaves me swirling in glee

"we are not without hope."

it's probably the kitchen table

When I wonder about the place where most memories are made; it's probably the kitchen table.

• consider critical decisions are made here,
•  arts projects are constructed,
•  it's where cookies cool on baking racks, 
• a place of science project experiments, 
• meals spread out, 
• tearful entreaties are waged, 
• deals are signed, 
• agreements confirmed, 
• birthday cakes song over the warmth of the table, 
• purposeful food dropped to open mouths of begging pets,
• flowers proudly displayed,
• devotions prayed and discussed around,
• and where family gathers 

There are no punishments meted out over the kitchen table, 

it isn't a place for consequence,

Rather, 

it's a place of joy, of memories, of laughter,

It's my favorite kind of place.

Why summer camp?

from summer camp crushes
to spirit filled moments

from captivating stories
to canteen candy choices

from swimming tests and deep water jumps
to canoeing and exploring, crafting and investigating God's word

bible camp is a rite of passage, and in a place and time where we have so few passages, this is important.

For the first time in my tenure at Five Oaks Church, we are inviting in a camp director to share why going to bible camp is a vital piece of the faith mosaic.

My experiences, my learnings, my relationship savvy, my growth as a person has a root in my summer trips to bible camp as I grew up.  There's nothing like the intensity of a learning lab away from home to push and pull, to draw out and develop, and to give meaning and strength to my walk with God.

along the way

On the fortieth year of my life, I hit a mile stone that is changing me.
I read through the bible, chronologically, from start to finish.
I learned so much along the way,
I was more calm in my outlook,
more patient in my relationship,
I walked taller,
I smiled brighter,
I felt deeper,
and I thought better, much, much better.

I can't explain any other way than to say that God's word is alive, it's a force that changes, and no matter what the daily passage was, I was different.  Changed.  Impacted.  Draw into a bigger story, my characterization developed, refined, deepened.

I'm at it again this year, taking a different path, but heading to the same destination.

Here's what I learned along the way:

• (Deut 33)God's entrance is blazing, "dawning upon us", shining forth, with flaming fire in his right hand
• (I Samual 15:23) Rebellion is as sinful as witchcraft, and stubbornness as bad as worshipping idols.  Not getting your way, being stubborn, disobedience, rebellion, in God's eyes, is as bad as idolatry and witchcraft.  Oh, my.
• (2 Kings 13:21) Elisha's dead bones bring a dead man back to life. Dead bones, Way dead, long dead, completely-tucked-away-dead still hold so much power that when another newly-recently-dead-person is thrown in, as the bones touch, jostle one another, the newly dead arose!
• (2 Kings 21) King Josiah became king at 8 years old because ever other option, all other choices, were dead. To me, that changes things from the Sunday School answer of "look kids, even 8 year olds can do cool things....because while I agree that 8 year olds can do cool things, the shaping of Josiah's life, the sober reality of hiding out in terror, losing all loved ones to battle, would severely impact Josiah's character.
• (Isaiah 7: 10-25).  God dares King Ahaz and for once, the evil King resists.  The Virgin will conceive a child, something not even a king could dream up!
• (Isaiah 49:16) "See, I have written your name on the palms of my hands."  My name. God's Hands. Whoa.
• (Isaiah 62:6,7) Don't stop prayer. Ever.
• (Jeremiah 10:1-16) "Their gods are like helpless scarecrows in a cucumber field."  Zing!
• (Jeremiah 12) "Why do the rich prosper?"  God's Reply, "If racing against men makes you tired, how will you race against horses?"  Perspective.  We need it!
• (Jeremiah 17: 5-10) Wisdom comes from God alone, and those who refuse God are cursed.
• (Proverbs 19:3)  We make our plans, choose stupidly, ruin our lives, and blame God.  It figures.
• (Proverbs 20:24) The Lord directs our steps, don't ask why, you'll never understand. Why wastes time, is disobedient, and is an enemy to faith.
• (Psalm 85:10) "unfailing love and truth have met together.  Righteousness and peace have kissed."  I know that place, I seek that place, I run to that place!
• (Psalm 104: 1-4) All majesty, glory, and honor to God!
• (Psalm 139:7-10) Hide and seek, God is the ultimate seeker, finder, winner!
• (Zechariah 11:13) Thirty pieces of silver, what the value of God is, as prophesied way before Judas and his betrayal. It brings further miraculousness to the story.
• (2 Corinthians 3:15)  The hearts of healers a veiled.  More is at play than I can know.
• (Romans 13:14) Don't know what to wear? Clothe yourself with the presence of the Lord Jesus
• (2 Thess 1:8) The Lord Jesus will come in flaming fire
• (Hebrews 4: 12-13) We are accountable to God, nothing is hidden from him, and his word is alive!
• (Hebrews 12:18-24) We can approach God, with grace, not like the Israelites at Mount Sinai, in complete terror, animals falling dead beside us if they touched the mountain.  That terror, that trembling, has passed.
• (2 Peter 3: 15-16) God gives time for people to be saved, and some of what is written is hard to understand, and further still, those who are ignorant will not understand.
• (2 Timothy 4: 6-8, 22)  Paul's final words. May the Lord be with your spirit and his grace be with you.  The time of my death is near. I have fought the good fight.

At first glance, a random list of bible trivial, seemingly unrelated

but, I dare you 

to begin,

to trace the dots, 

to find the connections, 

to see,

to learn, 

to explore who God is, 

what He looks like, 

what is to come, 

what already is, and how we play a role.  

Join the story.