while waiting for the city bus

Faces solemn, expressions resigned, the bus riders wait for the next bus in various places on the side walk. Ear buds attached, backpacks fastened in place, books open, but ears always attuned, they know when the next bus will come. It's like some inner clock that I didn't inherit, they stand and watch silently. And then, as if on cue by some unseen conductor, they rise and begin to walk toward the oncoming bus, standing in the precise stop the bus will stop. Boarding comes like breathing in air, a stance of calm confidence juxtaposed against my slight-panic-caution-pose. I am not in control. I don't set the pace. I can't problem-solve alternate routes if traffic is heavy or if I am inpatient. The riders taught me to release control of things I cannot pseudo-control anyway. How much of my energy is spent on controlling things I am not in control of?

Princess.....

I cannot take care of you if you take care of yourself.

I cannot give you all I have for you if you find it yourself.

I cannot provide for you if you provide for yourself.

I cannot go before you if you are leading the way by yourself.

I cannot show you my way if you go by yourself.

I cannot be if you are being.

I cannot shine if you are in the spotlight.

I cannot if you insist on doing it.

I will not.

a birthday wish

i remember the flute-playing-ultra-smart-barefoot-running-night-owl the most.

i looked up to her skill, her strength, her savvy. she went distances i could only imagine; never having the courage to go there myself. far away places, with foreign food and language-germany and egypt and china, the world was her oyster.

i analyzed her friendships, evaluating how she interacted with her girlfriends.

i observed the books she read-big, thick ones that she'd tenaciously pour over hour after hour.

and her stories; vivid and deep, soul searching characters on adventurous quests. and her art and her brilliant mind.

she went before me. her firsts before my firsts. and then the firsts stopped.

and we seemed to trade roles. only the mutual admiration society ended. and the distance grew wider and taller and deeper until it seems as though its impenetrable. but that doesn't stop my birthday wishes...wishes big enough to dream about, big enough to hope in, wishes of a bond that's strong and true. we have things in common,with heredity you can't escape it. i wish her much love, deep joy, and warm peace tonight. and although we no longer speak the same language, i hope one day for unity.

signs that spring is coming!

• I see real dirt alongside of the house. Real dirt!
• The sun shines much brighter and warmer.
• The days are getting longer, it isn't getting dark at 4:00 in the afternoon anymore.
• Marathon training is beginning.
• Every now and then, my family runs outside and to the car without a coat on.
• I hear birds tweeting. Real birds. Tweeting. Not people tweeting.
• The snow is melting sooner.
• I am getting mail for summer camp. summer vacation spots. summer events.
• flip flops are back in the stores.

mixed nuts

yum.....peanuts, almonds, cashews, brazil nuts, hazelnuts, and pecans....all nestled together in a salty bath of tart goodness, earthly, woodsy, gems of delight in 11.5 oz can thanks to planters. It was the trio that caught my eye....I would hand pick my next delight, nudging the Brazil nuts aside(the biggest by far in the can and would take an extra commitment of chewing to swallow), crossing over the hazelnuts(just-plain-old-yuck) until I'd spy a peanut or a cashew. But by far, the trio of oval-shaped-thinly-striped-sepia-and-honey-colored almonds...that was heaven. The van shifts, my husband carefully avoiding the fresh pot hole compliments of a harsh Minnesota winter, and my treasure trove disappears under the pile, only to be fished out by my eager fingers and adept eyes. yum!