i want to be with them, to be understood, and to be accepted; but to walk among them means to be broken. How can this be? it's like examining puzzle piece after puzzle piece and finding that I don't know how they fit together. i am one of them in DNA, in historical record, in origin, in creation and yet i do not belong. if i walk among them, i deny who i am. if i sit with them, i ignore my inner spirit. if i talk with them, i am cautioning my thoughts, censoring my words, hiding my heart. blood may be thicker than water, but it does not create family, unity, community, originality, creativity, and diversity. this blood demands silence, and code, and hurt without justification, pain without reconciliation, self-centeredness with validation. accept what you see, do not question what you feel, betray your heart and walk among them, celebrate your heart's spirit and be rejected.
why oh why oh why i cry. it's not meant to be, it should not be, it wasn't supposed to be.
i don't belong. to be free is to be set a part. father against daughter, mother against son. not a curse or a blessing, just a choice that repeats and repeats and repeats. it's insanity, yet acceptance, it's blindness yet celebration, it's the family way and it's unlike anything i can understand.
all that i've learned, all that i've been taught, all that i long for is unconditional. all that was offered was by condition alone. i walked away. i found a better way. and it haunts only at times of confusion, of disillusion, of curiosity and of temptation. it's hold has slipped....in twenty one years it grows weaker, but my souls still cries for understanding. it can never be.
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