the battle in gray

at first, it was gray, dancing around the edges.....

intriguing, mysterious, non-threatening

in the contrast, stark and bold of life choices,

gray was enticing and restful.

a respite.

a retreat.

it was innocent and relieving.

the shadow of gray; a place where explanation of oneself was not needed, a place where expectation and performance fell away, a place of being....

and like a small cloud rolling in the gray become blacker and blacker, but the eyes were attuned to the cloudiness, the steps into a darker and darker place was easy, was subtle, was natural.

and then the darkness seemed safe.

it seemed appropriate.

it was home.

and the brilliant colored contrasts of everyday choices,

everyday living,

everyday decisions

no longer competed,

no longer warred,

no longer claimed victims,

no longer crucified losses....

a constant state of restfulness...a blackness to sink into.

and the being no longer was living,

and the darkness overtook the being,

and the light died out.

blissful gray whispering sleep....

a promise of blackness calling out rest.

it seemed easy and necessary at first,

a justifiable place to recharge,

to step away,

to stop living,

and the cost of grayness became

loss and hopelessness and desolation.

there was a story once, ancient in it's origins, that spoke this way, " ⁴ In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. ⁵ The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. (John 1:4-5)

the darkness cannot defeat if the light source is from another place, beyond each one of us, guiding us, walking us through. The relief we seek in the gray will take us over, but the peace we find in the light with sustain us into eternity.