the arboretum

it's the place where abundance lives;

where beauty, in it's vastness adores the pathways,

is frivolously poured out in the roads,

is lavished on the hillsides and tossed in the wind,

is ridiculously painted on the trees, and cleverly hidden in plain view,

endless streams of color and texture flowing, growing, changing melting,

this intensity is so vivid, so immense, that to trample on it, trod upon it, kick it up is completely ordinary and expected.

truth revealed

sometimes I'm buried so deep I can't see clearly.

I lose perspective; time ceases to have meaning, things blur together-slurred and unfocused

sometimes I stay in this state for weeks and months; forgetting what is real and eternal, what is sharp and pure and honest and true. sometimes I get lost, my attention is diverted, and I get disoriented. And then, there is a moment of clarity-a gift of honesty, a splash of cold water, a breath of fresh air, and in that moment, truth is revealed.

Truth came today;

I was desperate, running, searching,longing, and grieving.

Truth was spoken in that calm, quiet stillness, when only truth can be known, heard, and understood for what it is.

I learned two things about me today.

I learned that I expect to be abandoned and I think God is too demanding. These truths of the lies I believe are haunting and riveting, exhausting and yet precise. I live by these two lies. And they shape everything. They explain why I give up so quickly when people let me down, when volunteers don't make their commitments, when so called friends walk away.

They explain why I've been avoiding God, timid and cowering, afraid that what will be asked of me is too impossible, too hard, too much sacrifice, too high a price, too great a cost. This explains so much. This is why it's hard to lead. This is why I back down, this is what it means to stand up.

What's the lies you believe? How are they impacting your worldview? Your daily living? Your faith and your future?

what normal is

it's the buzz of the lawn mower circling the back yard,

it's the chocolate chip cookies baking in the oven,

it's the rush of a warm breeze,

it's the steady beat, the pounding lyric, the joy of worship,

it's the promise of family,

it's the dog chasing, the kid's running, the flurry of activity,

that's what normal is....

quiet moments contrasted against a constant of movement,

it's living in a state of tension, of the dreams yet realized,

it's unending, not stopping, continuous, ever-changing,

that's what normal is...

the crucible

how hot the fire

flames that burn

torment and strike

building pain and struggle

fierce

unending

merciless

when does the holiness come?

the righteousness?

the purity?

how hot the fire

how strong the flames

how long, how full, how relentless

in this crucible i lay?

tribute to grilled cheese

sometimes it's gooey

sometimes it's chewy

sometimes it's hard

sometimes it's smooth

it's bubbly with cheese, oozing everywhere

it's filling, it's fluffly, it's down right delicious

i love grilled cheese; for breakfast and dinner, snack time and lunch

grilled cheese is the perfect treat to munch

by noah and mom

the first step

it's a constant drip...drip...drip

it's an incessant fly buzzing around my ear

it's a babble, interference, static, it's low and continuous

it doesn't stop, my first thought competing with all other thoughts in the morning

it's the battleground. And it's in my mind.

everyday I wrestle with a barrage of the unthinkable to the bazaar, the fantastical to the fanciful.

contrast this scuttle, this twisted stream of nonsense with the clarion call

to purity,

to vision,

to mission,

to celebration.

That's the difference. I see it now.

Am I trained as a warrior? A soldier of the mind?

Did I ever think I'd be in the place?

Will the scars of previous skirmishes bring strength and wisdom,

or

will they only entrench me further in my foolish ways?

I am undisciplined, I lack consistency, routine is difficult for me; yet I am bound to them, the foundational pieces that bring health and wholeness. I don't have a choice, the battle rages regardless of my personal preference. It's the essence of being alive, this choosing of the minute by minute path to engage in the battle or stand by, to fight for victory, or be slain by sin. And while forgiveness is always present, it can be the fool's way out, to justify the actions rather than fighting hard...

It's a more noble thing to seek forgiveness while engaged in the battle than to lazily plead mercy for no real effort at all.

I don't have to be so defeated.

I have the weapons to fight.

The First step is to acknowledge the battle exists.

love is enough

hmmm...the sweet fragrance of love

it's enough.

enough to rest in the love that carries me through

uncertainty. and tension. and frustration. and mistakes. yes, lots of mistakes.

and love is enough to hold me through storm after storm.

struggle after flesh and blood struggle.

love is enough to support me when i feel alone.

it's enough to strengthen me when i am so weak. love brought me to this place, holds me tightly here, comforts and soothes, pours out anew every morning.

it's full and big and wide.

love is enough to answer my deepest doubts, my strongest regrets, my dreams and hopes.

love is enough and i am in love. and i will give love. and like my abba before me, i will be love.