The third partner

When I got married, I saw my prayers come true. I prayed for a man that loved God and loved me and I got one. For seventeen years, we have hung together; clinging through the tough times, celebrating the good times, laughing at our journey, and crying at our mistakes. We have very few, if any, regrets. Married young, we grew up together. From college students to grad students to 9 to 5 jobs to careers. From being married with no kids to married with three kids and a dog. As I sit on the eve on another surgery, I see that our marriage had a third partner all these years. The partner of pain. Loving someone with chronic pain is a contract I made the day I wed. It started with an injury, compounded by heredity, saddled with life's stressors and here we are, looking into number ten and wondering if this will set free the unwanted third partner. Living with pain teaches grace and perspective, contentment in the little things and being real. It also brings in crabby, sleep deprived frustrations. This next surgery has the potential to be life changing, altering forever the rhythm we've grown accustomed to. We are ready.

What does quiet sound like?

Have you ever noticed how loud our lives are? I began to think about this recently. I mused about what quiet sounds like. Sure, we talk about inside voices. "Kids, we are going inside, so talk with your inside voices." Sacred places like libraries have a reputation for quiet. But, have you noticed a library isn't very quiet either. Night time can be really loud too. Between the occasional car passing on the road, to the neighbors up late; from the crickets to the random bird flying by, even night time is loud. And the cemetery, too, can be a very loud place. The wind stirs the leaves, the lawn mower drones on and on.....

How close is quiet to stillness? Are they connected? Is is possible to drink in quiet when your soul is still? So much of what makes success is in the state of mind, the focus of our thinking. Do you crave quiet? Maybe it's time to find a stillness in your soul.

Presence

Isaiah 41:10, "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God, I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

His presence is with us; God, Almighty, the creator of the universe is with us. His presence is real and active; He Is is with you and me. He is near. And He is our God. And as God, he will strengthen us and help us. He will uphold us-being held by the Savior of all, and not being held be two fingers, loosely and carelessly, but held by righteousness, power, and strength.

His presence is in real time and his grip is secure. He won't drop you, he won't leave you, he won't forget you, God is so close that He's holding you.

summer evening

catching milk weed in the summer breeze

as it carries sweet air

whistling through my handle bars

as I bike past

gold finches dancing on the cat tails;

the sun dipping low on the horizon

as another summer night comes into view

welcome, still night, and wrap your warmth around me.

"Watch This, Mom!"

"Hey Mom, check out this move. Watch me do yoga on my bike!" "Mom, did you see that?" "Mom, can you help me open this banana?" "Mom, can you cut it?" "Mom, watch me throw this ball over the house, I bounced it on the ground and everything......" "Mom" "Mom!" "Mom?"

It doesn't matter what it is. It doesn't matter what he does. It could be the most imperceptible move ever.... It could be amazing, a big jump off the dock or a brilliant move on the bike. The most important thing is that I looked. I saw. I acknowledged.

Parenting can be so exhausting. Unimpressive. It can appear like I'm making no head way at all. You know, shoveling while the snow is still falling, sweeping while the sand is still blowing......parenting can be so demanding. But when I consider what is being asked of me at the moment, the single second in time, is no greater than a "good job!" "I saw it, son!" "Wow, that was great!" I am humbled. And thankful. I've been assigned to this moment. I need to fully engage, fully feel, fully be in it. I can do it.

wrong information

so you are traveling along and GPS says turn right and you do and you find yourself in the wrong location. Wrong information. Something along the way didn't work and you ended up lost.

so your family believes a lie once told by the patriarch that has wrecked havoc on each member and broken relationship, caused unhealthy alliances, family members disowning each other. Wrong information. A lie causes irreparable damage.

you find yourself pursuing a career that never felt right, never suited you, takes away from you rather than filling you up. Your path was paved by greed. You believed it to be right and now you are stuck; debt to pay, bills piling up, all because of the wrong information.

A lie is told, one small lie, judgment is passed and a world of hurt propels you into a life of a pain. Walls go up, you refuse to love again. Really, authentically, truly love. It just hurts too much.

What wrong information are you carrying today? Do you even recognize the lie that it is?

holding my breath

As I kid, I remember holding my breath and thinking I was drowning. It was a church picnic, no less, which in my mind exempts all bad things from happening because there should be holy people, God's favorites, all around. It should be a most blessed occasion, don't you think? Everyone looking out for everyone, everyone treating each other with kindness. I am so naive. Anyway, so I remember jumping off the dock and when I came up for air, I could not. I had jumped off and when I pushed up, I was under the dock, instead of beside it. I was so disoriented. I was struggling. I was holding my breath. I tried not to panic as I kicked off the ground and swam further from the deck. The worst part was that no one noticed it. I came up for air and all around me kids were laughing and splashing and swimming.

I've had other times when I've held my breath; delivering children, waiting for my husband to come home, hoping for success at work. But today, I am holding my breath for a different reason. I am waiting for life to really begin. It's weird, but I want more from this life. I am not satisfied. I am holding my breath and waiting.