holding my breath

As I kid, I remember holding my breath and thinking I was drowning. It was a church picnic, no less, which in my mind exempts all bad things from happening because there should be holy people, God's favorites, all around. It should be a most blessed occasion, don't you think? Everyone looking out for everyone, everyone treating each other with kindness. I am so naive. Anyway, so I remember jumping off the dock and when I came up for air, I could not. I had jumped off and when I pushed up, I was under the dock, instead of beside it. I was so disoriented. I was struggling. I was holding my breath. I tried not to panic as I kicked off the ground and swam further from the deck. The worst part was that no one noticed it. I came up for air and all around me kids were laughing and splashing and swimming.

I've had other times when I've held my breath; delivering children, waiting for my husband to come home, hoping for success at work. But today, I am holding my breath for a different reason. I am waiting for life to really begin. It's weird, but I want more from this life. I am not satisfied. I am holding my breath and waiting.